As I sit down to type, I’m munching on complimentary Biscoff cookies, sipping strong coffee from a small paper cup, and balancing my laptop on a rickety tray table. We’re on a return flight to North Dakota after spending a week in northern Indiana visiting family.
Every time we take this trip, I think about the conversations I’ve had over the years with other military families, particularly other wives. Building a life in the place where orders have sent us—while also maintaining long-distance relationships with family and friends back home—is complicated and emotional.
We expect deployments and frequent moves. We expect long-distance relationships, FaceTime calls, and cross-country visits. But what comes as a surprise is how difficult it can be to shoulder the burden of making these visits happen.
I’ve been a military spouse for 15 years, and I’ve got a confession to make: I love seeing my family, but I get burned out on being the one to make the trip. I love my hometown, but sometimes I resent spending our vacation days traveling to the same place instead of exploring somewhere new. I value family bonds, but I struggle with putting my responsibilities on hold while we travel.
For military families, keeping these relationships healthy can seem one-sided because we take on the full weight of planning, budgeting, and coordinating these trips. If I’m being totally honest, sometimes I leave Indiana frustrated that others don’t make visiting us in Minot the priority we make visiting them. I know I’m not alone in this. It’s a conversation I’ve shared with countless military spouses over the years.
We log thousands of miles in airports and highways, juggling time zones, travel expenses, and work schedules to make sure our kids know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We come “home” for holidays, during deployments, and TDYs. We navigate airports as solo parents while wielding strollers and snacks. We make it work. Because no number of miles can change the fact that family matters.
But it’s exhausting. It’s expensive. And it’s lonely when we realize that we’re the visitor more often than the visited.
The point of sharing this isn’t to dwell on negativity or complain about a life I’m proud to be part of. But there’s power in naming a struggle that often goes unspoken. If you’ve ever felt the tension of wanting to stay connected while also feeling exhausted from the effort, you’re not alone.
While I can’t magically grant you extra leave days or pad your travel budget, I can share a few things that have helped me navigate these feelings.
First, let your loved ones know how much it means when they choose to visit.
Over the years, I’ve shed tears over orders—not because I disliked the assignment, but because I knew it meant living somewhere few would want to visit. Sometimes, I’ve wished for an assignment in a place family would be excited to explore, rather than one that requires extra convincing.
While we can’t force people to visit, we can tell them how much it would mean if they did. Let them know how special it is to have the experience of hosting and how much it would mean for your kids to show off their favorite park, their room, and their routine. Explain how, sometimes in this lifestyle, just staying put is the greatest gift of all. Be honest about how a visit makes it clear that your home and the life you’ve built matter.
Second, get educated on the unique fun this region has to offer. Find things you enjoy, and talk about them. I’ve always found that authentic enthusiasm is magnetic. If you need ideas, find me on Instagram and Facebook @HeyMinot where I share fun ideas almost daily, and bookmark eventsminot.com to stay on top of community happenings.
Be ready for fun, but don’t stress. A great visit doesn’t need to be a grand adventure—togetherness is grand all on its own. Keep nurturing relationships, making the effort, and being honest. The work you pour in to staying connected isn’t going unnoticed.
For more on living in North Dakota, and loving the life you live, join me at amyallender.com or on Instagram and Facebook @HeyMinot.